THE GIFT OF BEAUTY

Once in a while, ugly happens and demands to remain the main guest in the soul’s abode. Along with the ugly, when the grim and gutter crowd in as uninvited guests, my busy mind works quickly to find much-needed solace. As the dust settles, more often than not, I realize hopelessness had been the mastermind behind the ugly, grim, and gutter.

I knew my soul needed therapy—beauty therapy. More than anything, beauty offers hope of what can be, beyond what I can see now. It is also a poignant reminder of what once was. Beauty unlocks the memory of yesterday’s beauty and projects what once was to what one can be, again and again. External beauty confirms the interior beauty of what already is. Without the beauty within, we would not see the beauty without. Beauty, then, is an epiphanic moment or a meeting place of our soul’s rich reservoir of pure elegance orchestrated and confirmed with God’s timely gifts. Hopelessness melts away before beauty.

When we arrived from Malaysia for our six-month stint here in Southern California, our children gifted us with an annual membership to the Huntington Library. Since the Library is only two miles away from our house and what used to be an office, we have maintained our membership over the years. I would spend half a day walking the gardens, sitting, reading, and journaling. It is a world away from the world. Over time, I have discovered my own secret spots depending on the mood and the outdoor temperature.

After my morning café office, I knew I needed to go to the library. The parking lot was packed with cars, even though it was a weekday. The months of April and May are the busiest due to the blooming spring flowers. While California wild poppies and other wildflowers attract visitors in April, roses from around the world are the main attraction in May. Many women donned their floral dresses, sometimes with matching hats, simply to honor the flowers, or they would risk looking dull, while most men were busy taking pictures for their loved ones and company. There I was, in all black and drab. The day was slightly overcast with occasional sunshine peeking through. I found a bench right in the middle of the Rose Garden, partly looking at the scenery but also people watching.                  

I watched children creating their early beauty memories. They would examine the roses this way and that, put their tiny noses to the buds, followed by satisfactory smiles, and touch the fragile beauty with their tender fingers. Even for them, I wondered if they instinctively know beauty because it is inherent in them.

It is a revelatory question to ask, “Where would humanity be without beauty?” Beauty is so personal that it is universal. Beauty is everywhere, as grace is, from grandeur to granular. External beauty awakens and validates the beauty inside. The strengthened beauty inside marches out and creates more beauty, resulting in hope-filled now and the future. 

Irish poets know a thing or two about beauty, surrounded by its rugged and stunning scenery. John O’Donohue, in his book Divine Beauty: The Invisible Embrace, adds.

“The graced eye can glimpse beauty anywhere, for beauty does not reserve itself for special elite moments or instances; it does not wait for perfection but is present already secretly in everything. When we beautify our gaze, the grace of hidden beauty becomes our joy and our sanctuary.”

“The graced eye” is just that, a gift. At the same time, “the graced eye” does require humility and acceptance of our unearned love. That is the very work of “beautifying our gaze.” Grace becomes the filter through which we see everything. Thus, how we come to see determines what we see. Through the eye of grace, beauty presents hope as a divine gift. After two hours in the garden surrounded by beauty in sights, sounds, and smells, what was grim and gutter turned into a budding hope.

GOD NOTICINGS

During a morning walk around my neighborhood in Pasadena, I noticed spring-infused, fluorescent-green grasses sprouting in front of a home that had burned to the ground during the recent devastating firestorm. Spring arrived without fail after the harsh, miserable, fire-brimming winter. The grass was so stunningly green that it caught my attention, prompting me to stop and look, in contrast to the house that was no longer there. Other flowers were blooming, effortlessly taking cues from the new spring. Nature does what nature is, just as God does who God is. Nature does not betray the natural law and judges nothing. The way I experienced LA spring this morning felt like grace and hope, that “all will be well.”

The “Immanuel” God promised us that the triune God would be with us until the end of the age. Without this promise of God's illimitable grace, I do not know how we can live. God’s presence is immanent, pervading all conceivable and inconceivable aspects of our lives, revealing God-self to all who would seek. God makes God-self known, always. God wants to be found. To put it more wholistically, when we find God, it is because God found us first, which is grace at work. God is doing all the heavy lifting. God making God-self known being the incontrovertible truth; the times that we do not feel God’s presence are not because God is not present, but because we are not aware of God’s presence. (At the same time, God’s immanence does not invalidate God’s transcendence, God as mystery, really Mystery of all mysteries, beyond reason and knowing. To be sure, God is both knowable and unknowable, never one or the other.)

Whenever and wherever we hosted people for a few days, we would carve out some time every night for a “God Hunt” exercise. While mostly adults, we have had children who were ten years old and even younger. The “God Hunt” exercise is basically an exercise about “God noticings.” How, when, and where did we notice God’s presence in our lives throughout the day? While our adult children visited us in Malaysia, this nightly practice became one of my best memories. At other times, I always looked forward and was curious about what younger children would share, as they are more grounded in more mundane, ordinary, and present aspects of life. Their unfiltered concept of God, which is what they instinctively experience, cuts through what is often the unnecessarily complex and bloated view of God to a simple, child-like, and immanent God. They become my teachers to notice God I would have missed.

I see God in random strangers through their smiles, acts of kindness to others, and otherness, how my children love and care for their dogs, a mechanic who would drive more than an hour to my house to try to resurrect my old car, and the friends who are concerned for my well-being. I can see and hear God through spring green grasses, a falling leaf, graceful orange California poppies on the neglected side of the road, and a fluttering butterfly circling me. The chaos and the craziness of the current world (or any other time for that matter) do not and cannot negate but elevate more of God’s loving presence in everyday life. God speaks and lets God’s presence be known through both consolation and desolation times.

Any way I can become more sensitized to notice God in my everyday life, which is filled with more ordinaries than extraordinaries, would enhance my ongoing journey with God. This discernment helps me make decisions in real-time, reflecting God’s presence and action in my life. This sensitized process would foster my loving willingness to consent to what God is unfolding for me. I would like to believe that “love to consent” is always better than “obey to consent.” The love is based on tangible experiences of God’s presence, which always come to me as grace, loving-kindness, and mercy. The love of God compels me to love God more, leading me to consent to what God may have in store for my unique path in life. I can agree with what Apostle John wrote, “We love because he first loved us.” (1 John 4:19)

“DAD, PLEASE . . . ”

Even though some time has passed, I wanted to share a story before we returned to the US. During a group spiritual direction yesterday, I was giving a short update, and the story came out unexpectedly. I noticed my vibe was upbeat and light, and others noticed that. We all got good laughs afterwards. So, I told myself I should write about it.

Two weeks before our move back to Pasadena, my youngest son, Brad, who just turned 27, texted me about having a video chat. He started with, “Hi Dad, I’m excited to have you and Mom back soon!” He wanted to talk about how we can live together healthily. When we left for Asia, we gave our house to our daughter and son-in-law, who mentioned their plans to build an ADU behind the house since the lot is large. I used to be the king of the house, but now I’d be returning under my daughter’s and son-in-law’s roof. So, Brad and I would be housemates, two grown men—he is now a responsible and honorable young man.

All four of our children, along with our son-in-law and daughter-in-law, reside in Pasadena, within a two-mile radius. We did not guide or advise them; it was their merry choice to live closer together. For years, we have been open and honest about God’s calling to Asia, receiving their full support and encouragement. Even so, as parents, we did the unconventional—we flew the coop. There is no greater joy for a parent than witnessing one’s children celebrate each other’s important milestones and accomplishments, and simply being goofy together. Earlier this year, all six participated in a half marathon together. We happily and proudly contributed to their signature achievement by hosting a samgyeopsal party.

Brad’s text tone was warm, gracious, and hopeful. An introvert, I knew it must have taken a lot of courage for him to send that text. At first, I was amazed by how he has grown and matured. I was SO proud of him. Then the reality set in. What does he have in mind that I am not aware of?

A day later, we had a fruitful conversation. Without going into the specifics of a few discussion topics, one thing he shared was how he felt when I called him across the house, “BRAD!” He felt neither honored nor treated as an adult, but rather as a child. I apologized immediately and assured him that I would stop that behavior.

Then, a few days after, Brad, Hannah, Jeremiah (son-in-law), and we zoomed together to share our expectations and how to live harmoniously and healthily once we get back. They had a few things to share with us. Nothing egregious or unexpected in my opinion. They would say this is concerning “one person.” And I knew they were talking about me, and we all laughed. “Dad, could you please not leave your used floss everywhere around the house?” “Dad, could you put away your face wash after use?” I assured them I would honor their requests.

A month into being back in the US, I think I am doing exceptionally well on all those fronts. (And my wife and our children confirm!) The tone of the Zoom was hopeful and excited and centered around the notion of “let us make sure to communicate and be considerate with one another.” What a novel idea, I thought. And it was coming from them. Although many of their requests pertained to my way of being in the house, I was immensely happy with how we conversed about the matters. Additionally, I was so encouraged that they felt free to share with me. It was comical, encouraging, and just felt healthy. That lifted my spirit throughout the day while in Malaysia.

After a week of settling back in the US, I found myself at Dodger Stadium, making a big mess by spitting a pile of sunflower seeds right under my seat... It feels good to be “clean” and orderly, yet from time to time, messy. A contradiction I am.

MULTIPLE BELONGINGNESS

As is often the case, my monthly session with spiritual director unearthed an awareness of who I am and how I am invited to live my life forward. After initial struggle and adjustment during my teenage years and beyond after immigrating to the US, I have fully embraced myself as a bicultural, a liminal being. Over time, the otherworldly vision of “my citizenship being in heaven” unleashed a soul of peregrine in me across various stages of life. Intuitively, I have accepted that life on earth is the life of a pilgrim. Essentially, we are all home away from our true home. The peculiar combination of a contemplative posture and a bohemian blood in me further cemented the conviction. Being bicultural was one thing. Now, I feel like I can embrace multiple belongingness intrinsically and with “Wu-Wei” (“not pushing the river”).

Living in Malaysia for the last fourteen months has unlocked the multiple belongingness. While I would never say that there is uniformity in the collective Southeast Asian cultures, similar uniquenesses set them apart from other Asian cultures. (The term “Southeast” Asia came from south of China and east of India.) During the program of eighteen months at the School of Spiritual Direction, I will have studied six months in Malaysia, the US, and Korea, respectively, by the time I am done with the program. While sounding simplistic and surfacy, the realization added meaning and even sounded prophetic, inviting me to embrace my multiple belongingness. What I do know is that I felt at home in Malaysia and the surrounding region. And I long to be back.

Last night, we were at Dodger Stadium, enjoying the unique pastime of American baseball of more than 40,000 people belching out in unison, “Take me out to the ball game” during the seventh inning stretch, and splitting and spitting hundreds of sunflower seeds. The combination of saltiness and nuttiness of sunflower seeds is unbeatable while fixated on the game. After a grinding out win against the Braves, my wife said, “It is good to be back in LA!” My spiritual director did tell me that going to the Dodgers game is more of an LA thing than going to Disneyland earlier in the day. Even the night's sparse skyline of LA downtown was sparkling in my eyes.

At the same time, I ache, yes, ache to be back in Korea. I miss the four seasons, especially the spring, nature, and of course, food. Korea is beckoning us to come “before the winter arrives.” God has guided us faithfully since 2019, summoning us with a clarion call. To use Frederik Buechner’s words, it is where “our deep gladness and the world’s deep hunger” meet.

Multiple belongingness allows us to feel at home in various contexts. It translates into a broader common ground, enhancing our ability to identify and understand. As the term implies, we experience a sense of belonging in multiple different environments. The foundation of my immigration-fueled bicultural identity has not been wasted; rather, it is more fully realized. I do not have to choose one identity over the others. Although I may have preferences at times, the choice is not solely mine. Instead, peace and contentment arise from knowing that we are already in the river and choosing to trust it.

Earth’s crammed with heaven,
And every common bush afire with God,
But only he who sees, takes off his shoes,
The rest sit round it and pluck blackberries,
And daub their natural faces unaware.

Elizabeth Barrett Browning

If “earth’s crammed with heaven” (and I do believe it is), then the invitation is to see “every common bush afire with God.” Seeing the sacred in the “common” or ordinary bush, wherever I may be, requires a set of heavenly eyes. Or should I say, pilgrim eyes? What then follows is a lifetime of worship conceivably at every common and mundane turn, of course, in my multiple belongingness.

“BLESSED UNDOING”

Journeying well may just be a race toward “blessed undoing.” (I am borrowing this phrase from David Whyte’s poem, The Edge You Carry With You.) It is not an arms race of who can accomplish more, earn more, or be recognized more.

After the jet lag subsided, I recalled a breakfast club with friends/colleagues from a previous organization. Our “can’t go wrong” traditional breakfast menu features Sullungtang (Korean beef soup). There used to be four of us, but one member is now in Malaysia, where he's part of my Malaysian community. This time, we complemented our breakfast with assorted decadent croissants paired with handcrafted cappuccinos made by the friends’ daughters at a famous café in Pasadena. Even on a Thursday mid-morning, a long line awaited us. But there was no need to fret. Upon entering the store, we made a beeline for the back where all the dough action was happening and were promptly handed a platter of a few delicacies, now famous in LA, thanks to coverage by the LA Times a year ago. Even before the cappuccinos arrived, we finished two croissants. After devouring them, I learned that each croissant contains precisely fifty-five layers of dough, with a spread of butter imported from France between each layer!

Our conversation flowed from a year-long catching up, obligatory update on our health, and our grown adult children. We then shared our latest musings on life, spirituality, and even science. With one of them already being a grandfather, me on the way, the other a few more years to go, we have more years to look back than look forward to. One thread of conversation that stayed with me is related to an illusion that we think we have control over our adult children. We acknowledged that while we are not overtly protective or controlling of our children, there are still some persistent layers left, perhaps disguised as hope and prayer for our children.

Like many aspects of life, a life of freedom or disentanglement revolves around giving up or letting go of our control. The control we think we have is an illusion to begin with anyway. Furthermore, behind any form of control, power lurks. We dedicate a great deal of time and energy to maintaining the power. Why do we even waste energy on what we cannot get? Here, the real tension and hard work lies in how we let go and let be without giving up on our love and care. As the context of our control pertains to every conceivable “meaningful” thing in life, our sanctification depends on our willingness to let go or what Whyte calls “blessed undoing.” The very emptying act of sanctification stands as antithetical to the success-driven cultures we are surrounded by. It requires humility to admit that the pervasive usage of words like results or even “fruit” in the Christian contexts is not too dissimilar.

Meister Eckhart’s wisdom shines, “God is not found in the soul by adding anything, but by a process of subtraction.” This self-emptying incarnational act was lucidly demonstrated by Jesus when he walked among humanity. When Jesus commanded us to go based on how he came to us—incarnationally—we are to position ourselves, first, far from power and control, and to befriend humility and letting go.

To engage in this sanctifying act with joy, rather than merely out of duty, is what truly matters. There is not only freedom in letting go, but also joy. Our God is neither fretful nor angry when God “let go” and granted humanity unfathomable free will. Our God is nothing but love. In this context, God’s love and freedom must never be viewed independently from each other. The community of Trinity exists solely in love and for love. We are invited into the circle of union through love. Our experience of this love manifests as joy, as joy flows from the loving presence of everything. In other words, this means experiencing the joy of being in union already while simultaneously journeying towards union.

“WELCOME BACK”

We are back in the land of perpetual spring and summer, with blinding sunlight. After being welcomed by the immigration officer at LAX, who acknowledged, “Welcome back,” we drove through a sparse downtown Los Angeles compared to the urban jungle of Kuala Lumpur’s center. As I looked out the window, the morning sun nearly blinded me. I muttered to myself, “Not much has changed since we left.” My thoughts shifted quickly, and I was glad to be home where the Lakers and Dodgers play. It was almost as if we had never left. The feeling was strangely familiar and familiarly strange. Then as we drew near to Pasadena, I gasped at the bare San Gabriel mountains, the major victims of the devastating Eaton Fire. It was as if someone had shaved the mountain bald, not unlike my dome.

After landing before six in the morning, one of my first to-do lists was to renew my expired driver’s license. For this one, I needed to go in person to renew. I was promptly immersed right in the heart of LA in the DMV office, another welcome back to California. A new facial photo was taken after an obligatory eye exam which I passed swimmingly even with my aging eyes. The clerk at DMV asked me, “Do you wear glasses or contacts?” Proudly, I said no. As for the photo, I wasn’t sure whether to smile or bare my full teeth since the atmosphere was subdued, with many simply wanting to get out of the office as soon as they could. In the end, I smirked, similar to Mowgli’s shy smile in The Jungle Book. The guy who took my photo tersely said after, “Good enough.” If my picture does not turn out well, I will blame my picture on the photographer. But then, “Who cares?” ran through my mind.

Needing caffeine to stay awake, we stopped by my former “second” office at Peet’s Coffee in Hastings Ranch, near our home. As I wondered if I would see the usual suspects, my thoughts transformed into a nostalgic moment as soon as I stepped inside. I instantly recognized the same barista who later said, “Thanks, Chong” after my order, and familiar characters I had written about before leaving for Asia last year. With another warm welcome from these familiar strangers, I felt right at home.

Our next stop was LA Fitness, which has been home to my gym for many years. My wife told me, “Hey honey, now you could swim if you want to.” Yes, that is a change from last time. Not sure if I want to take all my gear including my swim shorts, but that is one option I did not have before. The manager explained what package would most benefit us for the next six months. After we signed the contract, he said, “Welcome back.” I smiled back and went on to our fav grocery store, Trader’s Joe. Again, not much change except for the prices. Suddenly, I felt the pain and missed Malaysia. But I was also happy to be back. While in Malaysia, I had always wished to step into Trader’s Joe, one of my ordinary joys of life.

Later that evening, authentic LA tacos arrived with our son and daughter-in-law, along with all our adult children. They all came to welcome our presence back in Pasadena. This was our first time being back together as one since they came to visit us in Kuala Lumpur last October. This fall, we will welcome our grandson, who will undoubtedly become the center of our undivided attention. After devouring the tacos, the men watched the Lakers demolish the Nuggets. Then we bought tickets to see the Dodgers play for my belated and our oldest daughter’s birthdays early next month. One of the bonding moments in KL last October happened through watching the Dodgers in the post-season run, eventually winning it all in grand style.

Since embracing an itinerant lifestyle over the past several years, we have experienced numerous opportunities to be “welcomed back.” We are thankful for this day’s cordial ordinary reception. Including our adult children welcoming us back, we remain grateful for more “Welcome back” from our loved ones and friends. Being welcomed and having a sense of belonging go hand in hand; they are inseparable realities of intimacy. To be welcomed signifies that we belong. This sanctity of belonging fosters a longing for presence, which in turn cultivates welcoming. The circles of belonging across the US and Asia stand as living testaments, encouraging us to continue our journey, which reflects the most fundamental belonging—to our own soul.

MALAYSIA

By the time you receive this post in your inbox, we will be flying somewhere over the Pacific Ocean to California. This post serves more as an update as I reflect on the past year in Malaysia. We will be in our US home for about six months until the end of September, with our sights set on moving to Korea by October 1. I will continue to post my weekly blog during our stay in the US. Again, thank you for reading.

Ruthie asked me, “What symbol would describe your one-year experience in Malaysia?” Ruthie and Joey, with their two adult children from the Philippines, visited us last week as our last guests in Malaysia. I could not answer her right away. My wife and I told her we would need time to ponder the question. Unfortunately, while they were here, I did not get to respond to her and Joey, both leaders and pastors of a significant church network in the Philippines,

Anointing oil would be my answer. We came to Malaysia believing God had anointed us to come to this land. It was a matter of obedience born out of love. We knew God was calling us to broader Asia, with Malaysia as our temporary base. As such, we were to “test” our calling during our one-year stay in Malaysia. It was a test of faith, as I called this “grandest adventure” of our life. After receiving the call from God to “forget your people and your father’s household” (Psalm 45:10) in 2019, this unfolding journey was never a straight line, but the call (and the One who called us) was our north star that we never lost sight of.

As I have written before, there is much to appreciate about Malaysia as our base. From the affordable cost of living and ease of international travel to safety and strong infrastructure, we have found Malaysia to be an ideal spot. I also value the warmer climate as I age. The spectacle of lightning and thunder, followed by a brief “gut-cleansing” downpour, will be cherished memories as well. With the reasons above, it is not difficult to envision ourselves spending one or two months each year here and in the surrounding region in the future.

Last year, we were in Korea three times, three separate trips to the Philippines and Singapore, and also Japan, Indonesia, and Vietnam once. There was an invitation to Thailand, which we could not fit into the schedule. The most encouraging fruit of our time in Malaysia is that there is a strong sense of communities in Singapore and the Philippines, obviously including Korea, with more to come. These are growing relationships, and sharing similar values, postures, and outlooks in life. In my opinion, they represent a new way of being and living in this world that is radical, generous, and inviting to all around them. And I know I have a role to play.

Without demanding from God, I intuitively understand that my contribution involves the integration of contemplation and action. Knowing that God does not waste anything, my thirty-five years in the evangelical missions enterprise will remain significant. However, the approach to engagement will be dramatically different from previous ones. Furthermore, it involves laying down and providing foundations not only for this (or present) generation of leaders and influencers but more for the next generations. 

A few days ago, I took a slow, contemplative walk around the neighborhood we called home for the previous year, absorbing and reflecting on our time. After the walk, I promptly captured the experience in a poem, almost sealing it in a time capsule. Before clearing out of our Malaysia “home,” we engaged in a ritual of leaving, visiting each room and space thanking God for small and big miracles and blessings.

On our last night in Malaysia, we spent our last evening with our community. Having agreed to commission us to Korea, we broke bread and celebrated what God has done in our midst, sharing numerous and specific moments of grace and joys of being together. Earlier, I asked them if I could anoint them with oil. They replied with a hearty yes. Before Ruthie and Joey left for the Philippines, they gave us a bottle of anointing oil from Jerusalem after hearing about our commissioning evening.

We came after being anointed. And we will move on to the next chapter after another set of anointing.

SNORKELING

The first time I ever snorkeled was back in Maui during our honeymoon in 1990. Well, for a few seconds . . . When I was young (I do not remember how old I was), I almost drowned. While I do not remember the exact time and place, I do recall the helpless feeling quite vividly until some random guy next to me pulled me out. It did not last long. It did not have to. That was long enough for me to develop a fear of water.

Back to Maui. Although I knew I was afraid of water, especially deep water, and considering the fact that I didn’t know how to swim, the clear turquoise water in Maui still lured me. We took a boat out and docked near the coral reef by an island. Everyone eagerly jumped in. I naively believed that I could somehow float and enjoy the underwater scene. What made matters worse was that no adults wore lifejackets; only young children had them on. My ego kicked in and convinced me that I didn’t need one. The next thing I remember is being in the water, frantically searching for something to hold onto. I spotted a lifeguard on his surfboard nearby and swam as if my life depended on it. I realized I could “go” but didn’t know how to float.

To make matters worse, my dormant fear rushed back while I was in the ocean. I grabbed one side of the board. Surprised, the lifeguard told me I could not hold on to the board and to swim back to the boat. I couldn’t tell him I didn’t know how to swim. Again, my ego interrupted. I saw the boat approximately 20 feet away. I put my head down and swam like a madman. In those few seconds, I caught a glimpse of some coral reef fish. Even while I was on the verge of “dying” during my honeymoon, I couldn’t ignore the beauty of the fish. I finally made my way back to the boat, completely out of breath and my heart racing. That was the end of my first snorkeling experience.

Thirty-five years later, I found myself in a boat, setting out for yet another snorkeling adventure. This time, I was on beautiful Redang Island, off the coast of Kuala Terengganu, along the eastern coast of Peninsula Malaysia. Redang Island is notable for its marine sanctuary, renowned for world-class snorkeling and white sand beaches. The Malaysian community had planned this getaway a while ago. The all-inclusive resort soft-opened in March after being closed from November to February. Since it was not peak season, the rates were extremely reasonable. Our stay lasted two nights and three days, with snorkeling as the main highlight. We went out three times to different nearby islands. Although I had been learning to swim (and still couldn’t float), I promised myself I would try again, hoping to redeem the disappointing experience from thirty-five years ago. This time, I didn’t let my ego interfere; I wore a lifejacket, which was actually required.

I jumped into the deep ocean and submerged my head to breathe through the snorkel mask, but I initially froze due to the depth of the ocean floor. I reassured myself that I had a lifejacket on and just needed to breathe using my mouth instead of my nose. As I began to enjoy the incredible new underwater world, I quickly surpassed my previous record of just a few seconds. After the outing, I FaceTimed my wife and shared every detail of the experience blow by blow. (My wife stayed back since she had a lot of work to attend to.) On the second day, we went to a nearby island where the Marine Center is located and snorkeled in shallow waters. Armed with pieces of bread, we attracted an array of colorful coral reef fish. With so many varieties to see, I marveled at this world I never knew existed. At one point, it felt like I was swimming in an aquarium.

The redemption and overcoming of my fear were not insignificant achievements. Figuratively speaking, this redemption and overcoming opened up a new world. This new world emerges as we learn to conquer our fears and experience redemption. To me, that was the bigger lesson.

HOF (Hospitality and Friendship) HOUSE

After learning that a longtime friend in Korea had lost his wife, I felt compelled to be with him in person. During the tumultuous week leading up to his wife’s passing, we had spoken twice. After she had passed into eternity, I also knew that I wanted to avoid the funeral crowd, so I called to ask him when would be a good time for a visit. A week later, I was on a plane to Korea to spend the weekend together.

After I landed close to midnight, he picked me up, and we drove to Hongseong in Chungcheongnam Province, where he and his late wife leased a country house, affectionately called HOF (Hospitality and Friendship) house. Upon arrival, he asked me whether I was hungry. After hearing a slight but convincing yes, he made me a bowl of ramen with homemade Kimchi thrown in. I gulped it down, washed up, and went to bed with the electric blanket turned up to the maximum heat.

The next morning, I woke up with the unmistakable aroma of fresh coffee roasting. His excuse was that he forgot to bring some coffee grounds from Seoul home, so he had to roast them manually. We both knew we could not survive without good coffee. Feeling grateful, I gulped that down and immediately went for the second cup. What followed was thin, perfect pancakes with precious maple syrup from Vermont. The memorable story of his visit to the Podunk Vermont town harvesting maple syrup flowed naturally.

Our conversations flowed naturally. Actually, it was mostly him sharing with occasional questions and noticings from me. He embodied what it means to “live the questions,” as Rilke said. Tears flowed too, punctuated with touches of laughter not unlike skittish adolescents, but also like older men being honest to their feelings.

As I opened up the living room curtain first thing in the morning, I finally saw the surroundings. As if the bright sun knew it was not the most welcomed guest that morning, the sun hid behind the panoramic grey sky. There was a sizeable plot of land suitable for farming, but since it was still winter, the ground appeared frozen and looked lifeless and hopeless. In a matter of a few weeks, neighbors will be busy tilling and preparing the land for sowing and planting. Soon, the field will be covered with green and vibrancy of life.

A small hill next to the farmland was covered with bare stick-figured trees, but the impressive pine trees still maintained the forever green with the backdrop of the deep, sad grey. Birds did not get the dreary grey memo, though, as they sang throughout the day. With no nearby manmade noise to drown out nature’s sound, birds were having their field day. Then, the fine misty rain fell as if to console my friend and me. The rain mimicked the slow falling snow. If one had not watched the ground, anyone would have mistaken the rain for snow.

Someone observed, “When hearts listen, angels sing.” Perhaps the angels were disguised as birds cheering us on as we sat, talked, and listened, interspersed with long silences in between. Over time, the words we chose became more intimate and sacred, which allowed us to go deeper into the depths of our souls. It was as if we were listening to each other’s souls rather than to words being spoken. Alice Fryling offers an insight worth pondering in her book, The Art of Spiritual Listening: Responding to God's Voice Amid the Noise of Life.

“Prayer is at the heart of listening to others. As we listen to others, we are also listening to God. We are praying as we are listening. We are praying that the one we are accompanying on the spiritual journey will be strengthened in the inner being and rooted and established in the love of God.”

I would surmise that listening to others and God attentively is the same listening that equates to prayer. As my friend listened to himself and put words from the depth of his soul, he began to find strength in his inner being and discerned what and how he needed to live without his wife right next to him for the first time in a long while. In his own words, he recognized that a new chapter of his life was opening up before him. Cautiously and with hope, he responded with a yes to God’s invitation based on the love of God. In the background, birds were still singing, cheering him on. So was I.

BIRDS AND WILDFLOWERS

Birds and Wildflowers

Bird a symbol of freedom effortlessly rules the air
without owning anything
Bird takes what is given to them
without controlling anything
while being subservient to the sun, rain, clouds, moon,
harsh and gentle, spectacular and rudimentary,
it is the ruler above everything
A ruler and a subject of freedom, perhaps because
it knows its limits with no complaints,
but the air of silence
light and letting go as if
the spread of wings to prove.

Wildflowers, wild but doesn’t mean uncared for,
just is
simply
where simplicity is, there is no deception
celebrates by opening themselves brightly and vulnerably
for others to savor them, to create joy without any utterance of words
oh, how words rob mystery
while showcasing what it means for different beings to be in union
just is
obediently
where obedience is, there is love
whether noticed or not, without judgment
Could it be elegance? Perhaps,
it is grace
sustained by grace and eventually becoming grace.

Ever since I developed an appreciation for nature, the world of poetry opened up to me, along with some Scripture passages I had taken for granted. As a city boy all my life, my encounters and fleeting appreciation of nature mostly came during road trips to national parks for camping and hiking. Those trips were few and far between, though. One reason Yangpyeong remains so special to me is that it unlocked and awakened a yearning within me that I did not know existed. Additionally, there is a mystery, savagery, and beauty to the four seasons that I have forgotten, due to the temperate weather Los Angeles provided for much of my life.

I have been a fan of Søren Kierkegaard for some time. Kierkegaard wrote extensively in theology, philosophy, devotional writings, psychology, social critiquing, etc and his influence reached multiple disciplines in his day and beyond. While he remained in the Christian faith (Lutheranism), he was an astute and fierce critic of the system-building mindset of Christendom. He resided on “the edge of the inside, " giving him a detached, keen ability to question and critique. One of his main emphases if not the main was his question of the existence of human beings. He is known as the “father of existentialism” who lived far before his time and impacted postmodernism in our time. I owe the above poem to his fine devotional book, The Lily of the Field and the Bird of the Air: Three Godly Discourses.

It was not that Jesus lacked wisdom clues of what to refer to in his brilliant Sermon on the Mount when he pointed to the lily and the bird and spoke with elegance and power. Jesus was precise and intentional. Nature, as God’s magnificent creation, breathes, revels, and reveals God’s beauty and mystery. Grace is everywhere if we choose to see it. Truth is everywhere if we choose to pay attention and notice. I would venture to guess that Jesus could have chosen a ubiquitous olive tree and a butterfly. The ultimate point is not the lily or the bird, but nature—allowing it to teach us. 

Stringing together the three strands of nature, Kierkegaard, and Jesus’ teachings converged as part of my assignment this week at the School of Spiritual Direction. I was to engage in Lectio Divina (sacred reading), and I chose the passage from Matthew 6:25-29. I did not intend to write a poem; rather, it arose within me as a prayerful reflection on this passage.

LISTEN. . . AND SEE

“You wish to see; listen. Hearing is a step toward Vision.” St. Bernard of Clairvaux

During the past week, I heard the news of two close friends’ father and wife, respectively, passing into eternity. It is widely understood that hearing is the last sense to go when one dies. Hearing is the first sense in the womb and the last until we take our final breath. Isn’t it interesting that we can close our eyes and choose not to see, but we cannot truly shut our ears? Our ears are always on, even while we are sleeping. How we come into life and depart from this life is shaped by our ability, a divine gift, to hear. Over time, both will see what I can never see from this side of heaven. If they are “sleeping,” do they still have the ability to hear? I do not know.

Speaking of hearing, we heard the invitation from our friends in Singapore and from God to make a weekend trip over the strait. We had made a plan to be there in December but the day before our departure I came down with COVID, so we had to scrap the trip. Since the symptoms were very mild and the second red line was so faint that I almost was in denial. After looking at my strip, my wife simply told me, “You have COVID.” Thus, for our friend’s sake, I called it off. This was a long-anticipated makeup trip.

One of the gifts we have received during our one-year stay in Malaysia is that we have communities of friends sprouting up in several countries in Asia. Singapore has become one of those hubs of friends, thanks to CenterQuest Asia community. Since I attended the Opening Residency as a guest/observer and the Closing Residency in 2023 and 2024 respectively, we connected with several folks from Singapore. Similar in age range, we began journeying with each other’s lives in intimacy and vulnerability. At least two couples flew out to Korea at different times to spend a week with us, giving us opportunities to host.

All are associated with CenterQuest Asia and I love that the community is ecumenical, broadening my perspective on spirituality and humanity. Several are part of the “Asia Poet Society” I initiated. We meet monthly for two and half hours and learn to “live deep and suck out all the marrow of life” as Thoreau put it wisely. We skillfully and graciously companion one another through each of our tender and honest poems.

Singapore is one of the best foodie paradises known to humankind. And I am certainly a human! I realized that through my frequent past trips, but I never had local friends to guide and pamper me. From al fresco dining while feasting on fish head curry soup, roti prata, prawn noodle soup, and the famous chili crab to boutique restaurants where we enjoyed fusion pasta dishes and steak paired with wine and beer (not to mention the homemade eight, really fifteen, treasure noodle soup), we were in foodie paradise, eating from the moment we woke up until it was time to crash for bed. Upon returning to KL, one of the first things we did was hit the gym!

Putting food aside, what gives me life is the mutual desire for deeper connections and to live the rest of our lives with our arms wide open, charting new paths. The quest for the motivation of true self arises not from the pursuit of significance or needs, but from how God has formed us. None of us desires to “make” ourselves; all desire to discover how we are made. If and when we are honest with ourselves and our journeys, I firmly believe we can all reach that destination. The ability to be honest is a grace in itself, while at the same time, we embrace grace through self-compassion. Ultimately, this is the only quest that is worthy of our attention. The invitation to listen as a step toward vision is fitting in this journey. What and how we listen will determine what we see and how we live our lives toward the Vision of true self.

Yesterday, I read the Facebook post that my friend’s wife passed. I called my friend in Korea and told him I would like to come and visit him over the next weekend after all the formal funeral procedures. I know I will have nothing to offer or say, but only to listen.

BEAUTY

“Beauty is the harvest of presence, the evanescent moment of seeing or hearing on the outside what already lives far inside us; the eyes, the ears or the imagination suddenly become a bridge between the here and the there, between then and now, between the inside and the outside; beauty is the conversation between what we think is happening outside in the world and what is just about to occur far inside us.” (italicized are mine) David Whyte

Beauty as the conversation between our inner being and outer reality affirms the familiar adage of “beauty is in the eye of the beholder.” I resonate with the word conversation. The liminal conversation reveals what was once hidden inside due to the relentless energy of beauty that gently engulfs like the waves hitting the shore. If we only say yes to the beauty outside. . . That “if” takes courage to see beyond and to linger which is to say be patient, and also not to be pummeled by what others see or like. What others see as beauty may not be ours because it is not our time to unlock what is inside us.

Beauty is intimate and personal, otherwise it is not beauty. It must hit the ground, the ground of our being. Rumi sees. “Let the beauty we love be what we do. There are hundreds of ways to kneel and kiss the ground.” There are hundreds if not tens of thousands or billions of ways to be intimate. Beauty is not out there but on the “ground” like the snow softly blanketing the ground or nature putting on a show exclusively for our eyes. For beauty to be beauty, it has to be concrete and real (subjective experience) not according to others or some systems but by each of our unique ways of being.

If we allow beauty to touch and infiltrate our being, we inevitably begin to reflect that beauty in all aspects of our lives. This act of living is not triggered by external realities detached from who we are; rather, we recognize beauty because it affirms our present longings. The external beauty we recognize reinforces the beauty within us. Thus, love-filled actions stem from our innate nature. In other words, outer beauty awakens our inner longing and gives significance to what we have always known. Beauty and longing are inextricably linked. It serves as a way for God or the Cosmos to connect with the deepest part of our soul.

It is precisely “hundreds of ways to kneel and kiss the ground” that builds my faith and affirms my path of spiritual direction (whether in individual or group). By embracing “hundreds of ways,” I am rejecting the cultural proprieties (even if proven) or any other systemwide thinking that one way or a way is better than all the others. Fundamentally, I cannot imagine God to be that parochial. (I asked ChatGPT just now how many species of butterflies are in the world. Its’ reply? 17,500 kinds.)

This past week, I have witnessed beauty in the most unexpected place, from someone’s deathbed. Since this is not my story to tell, I will not go into detail. Beauty emerges from unspeakable suffering, pain, and agony. Beauty comes in the name of tenderness, grace, and joy against all hope. Beauty is disguised as God’s goodness in humanity. Though they are ever so fleeting and temporal, it has the power to transform and hope for eternity. While facing directly the face of death, beauty refuses to back down and generates hope as a tangible gift to all who have been standing by and offering prayers. Life arises out of impending death. Beauty is power and hope even amid doubt and suffering.

Beauty as “the harvest of presence” reflecting congruency between the inner and outer worlds resonates deeply. The hope my friend and his family possess is affirmed by flickering glimmers of hope-light from the outside. In fact, beauty as hope does not flicker or glimmer; instead, it shines like a bright neon light in our favorite colors.

KING, LOVER, AND SAGE

Having just turned an age when I can officially claim my social security checks (if I choose), I have more years to look back on than to envision my future. I appreciate the contrasting poetic translation (New Living) of Proverbs 20:29, “The glory of the young is their strength; the gray hair of experience is the splendor of the old." At this point in life, I willingly choose splendor over strength. And I have a boatload of experience!

My wife and I just finished a Zoom session with a group of younger friends with whom we have been engaging in group spiritual guidance. Having met for the last four years, we took the past two months to share words of life and encouragement. We have traversed deep, dark, perilous valleys together, been nourished by still waters and lush green meadows, and climbed and descended various mountain peaks. Even before the group Zoom, we have a long history of enjoying each other's company for nearly three decades.

Among other words being spoken, “sage” was one repeated word that the group shared with me as they took time to channel what God may have for me to hear. The truth is that I had wished that I would be a good wise sage someday.

I remember reading John Eldredge’s *The Way of the Wild Heart: A Map for the Masculine Journey* when the book first came out nearly 20 years ago. Naturally, I was comparing and reflecting on my own masculine journey concerning Eldredge’s “map.” Eldredge outlines and elaborates on the six stages of manhood: the boy, cowboy/ranger, warrior, lover, king, and sage. For the sake of brevity, I will glide over the early stages (though they are interesting to contemplate).

According to Eldredge. the “Lover” stage awakens and includes the physical lover, but it is much more comprehensive. This stage involves appreciating beauty and learning to love unconditionally. After discovering a “mission” in one’s life (during the warrior stage), the warrior stage will not mature unless it is infused with the love and beauty of life. The lover stage unlocks the artist within us through the unique artistic channels that God has gifted us. “Artistic” not only refers to the culturally accepted expressive arts (music, painting, writing, etc.), but is fundamentally about unleashing the very essence of who we are as God intended—I can only be me, and you can only be you. We all are God’s created and creative arts in motion, a poetry of motion. It is easy to envision the life of the biblical character David—from boy to ranger (as a shepherd), warrior, lover, and, of course, king.

The “king” stage is where one gets to exercise authority and responsibility over a ‘kingdom.” The “kingdom” can be one’s own company or organization, household, small group in church or community, or even a country. The list goes on. What is implied is that the king is responsible for leading others. Without “others” following, there is no king.

According to Eldredge, the “sage” stage is the last stop of the masculine journey. Parallelly, Robert Clinton’s “The Making of a Leader” details a similar outline of a leader. The last stage is what Clinton calls “afterglow/celebration.” Clinton describes only a few reach this level and it is all about influence. One of the key concepts from Eldredge about the sage stage is wisdom.

Years ago, I heard from a retiring pastor from an influential church that his biggest fear was his irrelevance. I appreciated his awareness and honesty at the time. That made a lasting impression on me.

In an effort to weave together the disparate thoughts alongside my own life’s journey, here are a few reflections based on my masculine journey.

I know I have gone through a lover stage after the warrior stage, but my primal lover stage happened after the king stage. Using my own language, the lover stage I am referring to definitely includes my appreciation for beauty and love of nature through writing and poetry after my kingship stage. More than that, the lover stage to me was mostly about descending, descending from kingship but also going deeper and embracing “death” and “deconstruction.” In the kingship stage, one is ruling over people but also exercising authority and stewardship in certain ways of doing things, developing and perpetuating a system. A king is not a king without some systems to rule and proliferate. As such, a king is almost always beholden to a certain way of doing things even if one is trying to reenvision and restructure.

A further note on descending. Descending is letting go, of control, expectations, and aspirations however good and noble they may be. The language of descension is identical to Richard Rohr’s “Falling Upward” concept in that our focus is not set on “upward” but squarely on “falling.” If and when we fall enough, sometimes as in free falling which can be both petrifying and exhilarating, then we realize upward movement has also been taking place. As we descend, we meet death and decay, and arrive at a place where we can identify with Solomon’s wisdom “Everything is futile.” The good news is that we begin to witness life, flourishing, and meaning where death and futility used to reign. What was once stark opposite contradictions melt away and disappear with no need for striving. Death and futility become friends in descension. There is no more need to label life as good and death as bad. And we won’t see this unless we descend or fall. God is already there at the pit (or Sheol if you like) and what we considered as the farthest limits as David wrote (Psalm 139). This, to me, is at the heart of the Lover stage and serves as a doorway to Sage.

Sage cannot and should not remain within the systems whether they are good or bad (which is precisely my point in that we make judgments according to our experiences and view of systems we have been part of). Sage is above and beyond any systems of power otherwise sage cannot exert the kind of influence that puts the listeners first. Unlike a king, sage is not about building or expanding his or her kingdom. It is about the “listeners’ kingdom.” At the same time, it is about helping to lift one’s eyes to bigger realities beyond systems and develop attention to beauty and love. To be sure, nobody including sage can sit outside judgmental outlooks, biases, or above system. However, the difference between a king and a sage is that a sage has eyes beyond the system and operates from a different and wider plane of seeing. While sage may have influence, sage does not and should not have the power to rule and control. Furthermore, sages can traverse and offer wisdom to people in all different stages of life—from the boy to other sages. One thing I know is that I want the onus to be on someone else, not on me. Ultimately, I wonder if the “splendor” of sage or the old is relative to the honest evaluation and acceptance of the “gray hair of experience.”

FEAR

As a human being, I naturally experience thoughts, feelings, and, of course, fear. However, I am not my thoughts, feelings, or fear. The reality is that while I have them, they do not define me. What some have coined as FEAR, or “false evidence appearing real,” resonated with me recently. As an Enneagram 7, I often find myself in my head, and fear lurks around as a constant adversary. My sense of peace can sometimes be an illusion. Likewise, my sense of fear may not be grounded in reality. it is simply false evidence appearing real. With further introspection, it is not even false evidence but a loud projection of what can go wrong. And I can choose to navigate my life based on my projection and perception. Or not! Either way, the appearance as real, far from real, is the main culprit for being a captive of fear. The invitation is for me to be aware that I am writing certain script, scripts to protect myself and my self-interests. When I am aware and name what I am doing (or thinking in this case) in the present, they simply disappear.

When our friends from Korea visited us, the one go-to activity the children wanted to do was swimming. At one point, all children and adults from Korea and Malaysia were together frolicking around in the pool. We were of one mind playing. On one corner of the pool, my wife who knows how to swim was instructing a child, an absolute beginner, how to swim. Not knowing what came over me, being nearby, I decided to give it a shot for myself. I almost drowned when I was a child and ever since I was afraid of water, particularly the deep. But this was only 5 feet deep. Now there were two absolute beginners. In just a few minutes with my wife’s gentle and clear instructions, to my shock, I found out that I could float! With strong encouragement from our Malaysian community afterward, I enrolled in an adult swimming class for the next several weeks. I am learning to face my fear (though I have not been to the deep yet) and embrace what I can and cannot.

Seeing “fear as a vehicle of silence” is like turning my enemy into a friend, embracing fear as a movement from affliction to the vehicle of Presence. Martin Laird’s book, Into the Silent Land, articulately outlines the shift from victim (of fear) to witness (of fear). Fear flexed its muscles in my restless mind during the firestorms in Southern California. My fear-feeding mind was fixated on what was taking place, trying to learn as much as I could, and keeping track. Fear dominated much of my life regarding water. On a grander scale, our imminent move to Korea is riddled with joy, excitement, and fear. In all these cases, learning to be aware and name what I am doing (which is a testimony of the life of a witness) and projecting especially regarding fear is a real-time lesson. Helen Cepero’s words (Christ-Shaped Character: Choosing Love, Faith, and Hope) made me pause, “Sometimes the search for abundance in our lives is evidence of our fear of scarcity.” The fear of scarcity for me can lead to the door of suffering. Richard Rohr points out that suffering occurs when we lose control. I don’t see myself as a control freak, but I admit that I still fear scarcity.

In this vein, Barbara Brown Taylor’s words (An Altar in the World) struck a chord of resonance in me.

. . . pronouncing a blessing puts you as close to God as you can get. To learn to look with compassion on everything that is; to see past the terrifying demons outside to the bawling hearts within; to make the first move toward the other, however many times it takes to get close; to open your arms to what is instead of waiting until it is what it should be; to surrender the justice of your own cause for mercy; to surrender the priority of your own safety for love—this is to land at God’s breast.

Pronouncing a blessing puts me close to God. In the phrase “surrendering the priority of your own safety for love,” the drive for safety is my sense of control leading to fear and suffering. It is to land at God’s breast. What can reverse such narrow-mindedness and self-interests is to pronounce blessings, to myself and others. As such, the pronouncement of blessing aids us in seeing beyond bias, projections, and false evidence. The pronouncement of blessing gets us close to God and to be in union with God as the original Blessor. Our blessing is not our own, but simply a conduit or an instrument of God’s blessing, pointing everything back to God and getting all of us close to God including myself.

CONTEMPLATIVE SEEING

After bidding farewell to our guests, I knew my introverted wife needed space and time to decompress and recharge by being alone. Solitude and silence are her go-to spiritual disciplines. Thus, I needed to figure out how to rest and decompress in ways that would serve me, not expecting my wife’s involvement. I slept and exercised while maintaining my due diligence in a recently started spiritual direction course.

As part of my rest, I stumbled onto Netflix’s American Primeval limited series. I was promptly glued to it. The series is a gritty and brutal fictional depiction of the American West set in Utah during the 19th-century expansion era, sprinkled with some historical facts. Among other things, it highlights the multidimensional and complex conflicts between the Mormon religion, Native American peoples, the expanding and stretched-thin US government, and other pioneers and settlers, both opportunistic and desperate.

One of the unmistakable themes was the clash of how different peoples viewed and interpreted God. Both the Mormons and the Native American Indians fought, killed, and protected based on their views of God. (I’m trying not to spoil here.) It is not enough to say that the conflicts were about the Clash of Civilizations, more specifically, it was the poignant clash of peoples’ understanding of their Gods in their respective religions. Not being in their shoes in their times, I find myself appalled by their genuineness of blinded and misdirected unconsciousness. I agree with Richard Rohr, “The religious version of egocentricity is wanting to be right and in control.” While healthy and mature aspects of religions provide helpful and needy guidance to God, misguided religious fervor has harmed beyond doubt throughout history and with no shortage of current examples.

To put it differently, it came down to how they saw God which dictated their life’s responses and decisions. I am in the middle of the first module, Contemplative Prayer: A Way of Seeing. Cultivating how we see what we see, separating real from illusions, is at the heart of contemplative spirituality. Also, contemplative seeing is always immersed in grace and unconditional love, never under accusations, guilt, and shame. In this way, contemplative seeing is imitating and learning to see how Jesus sees, always with grace and compassion.

As part of my learning this week, I spent time meditating imaginatively on the passage of how Jesus called the first disciples at the Sea of Galilee. As I immersed myself in the account and was “seeing” imaginatively, I realized that seeing imaginatively sometimes aids “real” seeing, peeling off illusions. Below is my summary account of what I experienced.

I was looking at the vast sand under my feet (I imagined feeling it too) and out the sea where the horizon blends the sky and the sea into one, watching the gentle and lazy waves (this time) hitting the shore, observing the disciples interacting with Jesus. I watched the interaction in awe as “Something” gripped them as if they were under some sort of spell, left everything, and began to follow Jesus.

The next thing I see is Jesus walking towards me. The first thing I see is Jesus’ eyes. His soul-piercing and grace-filled eyes had already locked on mine as if he had been seeing me my whole life. My heart promptly melts, again as this is not the first time. He tells me, “Thank you for following me, son.” Speechless, my heart melts again because I had not expected to hear that from Jesus.

It is worth highlighting that when we see others, the first thing we see is the others’ eyes. I see the eyes looking back at me. My seeing and the other person’s seeing can be two different subjective experiences. I am subject to what I see based on how I see.

When I was guided to the section, imagining what Jesus would tell me and what I would tell Jesus, I was not prepared to hear Jesus thank me for following him. I am not 100% sure whether that was my wish driving my imagination, but I am sitting with what I thought I heard.

I did leave almost everything. Due to the firestorms in Southern California during the past week, I was forced to think of what I had left behind that I would need to claim (if given a chance). I could not think of anything. Before moving to Asia, we cleared most of our stuff (except for books and some random clothes and shoes). The most expensive item I own is my laptop, which is over 4 years old. This certainly does not justify Jesus’ words to me. But it is a reminder of our journey so far.

As I anticipate returning to the US for a few months, it will highlight our liminal status—home but not home. It will be a reminder to continue to fix my eyes on Jesus’ love-filled eyes, beckoning me to come home repeatedly.

OPPOSING REALITIES

Einstein, at the end of his life, supposedly had questioned, “Is the universe friendly?” While I do not fully grasp the context and ramification of what he meant by the question, a parallel question enters my mind, “Is God loving?” Both my calculating and contemplative mind concur (which never happens) that the answer is a true yes. Looking back, my life experiences tell me the answer to be a resounding yes. The key lies in looking back. However, it is also worth noting that sometimes while I was going through life’s most difficult and formidable experiences, I had a hard time thinking God is loving.

This past week has been hard and challenging as I hear and watch the reports of firestorms, which some firefighters likened to giant blowtorches fueled by hurricane force winds, raging and engulfing various sections of Southern California. What are no less than epic scenes from apocalyptic movies became real to the point where it is hard to separate the real from the surreal. It hit home when I saw and read that our house in Pasadena was near the Eaton Fire Zone. The firestorm spread less than a mile from our house, flanking the two nearby major streets east and west of our home. All our children had to evacuate with their three dogs and fled as far south as San Diego. Between my wife and I along with our children, we know at least a dozen families whose houses burnt down to the ground. I cannot and will never fathom what the loss is like.

While local, regional, and national authorities should have answers sooner rather than later, at the existential level, I, for one along with many, do not have answers. Nobody should have any answers to questions, “Is the universe friendly?” and “Is God loving?” At least not now. . .  Instead, we are supposed to live the questions. And live a life based on what is given and opened for us, not in a fatalistic way but with a trusting heart. Hasty and heady answers will only damage and worsen what is already diabolical. Having answers and being (and living) answers are two very different things. As we cannot handle the answers, I sense the invitation is to be brutally honest and wrestle with God. God expects and invites us not to shy away from asking life’s most tough questions.

On a more personal note, the fact that I am absent in my physical body from our children tears me apart. It is not merely whether our house is safe or not. It is about not being part of the process or the journey our children are currently facing. On the one hand, they are all mature adults, and they have the life tools to navigate this challenge well, even of this magnitude. Yet amid all the questions they are raising, burdens they are bearing, sorrow and compassion they are holding, and even the mundane things like cleaning up, helping others, and trying to put life pieces together, I am not there to process with them on the ground in real-time.

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In the middle of the disaster back home, my wife and I hosted 7 people from Korea, including 3 pre-teenagers during the past week. We physically hosted half of them in our house, but I served as the main host and guide. This was my reality here in KL. Though I was torn with my attention and heart divided by the dreadful event back in Pasadena, I also knew I needed to remain faithful to people who came because of my invitation.

As I was preparing to host, my mind was squarely focused on the children. I asked other children in KL in addition to doing my research how to entertain them. I was ready. Or so I thought. I quickly realized on day two that I needed to scrap what I had planned and improvise on the go. Unlike the adults we hosted before, the children are brutally honest about what they like and do not. As hospitality is about giving freedom to our guests (pre-teenagers) and it is not about me being in control, I shifted quickly. I had to. What they wanted were what I would consider as more ordinary and plain, as in going to our apartment pool, eating simple local foods, and going to their favorite Japanese shop of goodies. I thought of taking them to a water park, jungle ropes course, etc. You get the picture.

I realized afresh that hospitality is never about pleasing the host (in this case, it was me) but about giving them freedom to be and to do. For this to happen, I had to let go of my expectations and control. Letting go of expectations and control is always a good thing as was this time.

Last night as we were wrapping up our time, I asked a question to the children, “How was your time? How would you summarize your time in Malaysia?” Their answers almost floored me. The first one who is a boy and the youngest responded as cool as a cucumber, without mixing any emotions, “It was special.” The other child said, “It was a time of blessing” without making eye contact which I understand as it is more about being Asian. The last one said, “It was healing.” I did not know they knew what healing meant. I suppose the important thing is that whatever she meant, healing happened. They followed by filling out some details, again as a matter of fact-ly speaking. I received them as being genuine. On their way to the airport, I gave them big hugs and said, “Thank you for coming.” As they were leaving, I whispered to myself, “Thank you for teaching me and reminding me about what hospitality is.”

This week, I fumbled and struggled to hold both very contrasting realities together. This was not the first time where I had to juggle and struggle through stark opposing realities, and I know it will not be the last time.

THE GROWING EDGE

Times are bleak, turbulent, and filled with incredulous self-interest and twisted cruelties—like “Are you kidding me?” force me to let out a deep sigh of disbelief. We live in the dark times. I have loved Parker J. Palmer’s seasoned and insightful writing over the years, and I follow him on social media. He recently shared a quote from Howard Thurman below. It rang something deep in me. Most of all, Thurman’s prophetic and poetic words, which really are the same, gave me faith and hope against the current harsh and bleak conditions, especially regarding my motherland, Korea. By definition, faith and hope require patience and waiting amid uncertainties and unknowns.

All around us worlds are dying and new worlds are being born; all around us life is dying and life is being born. The fruit ripens on the tree, the roots are silently at work in the darkness of the earth against a time when there shall be new lives, fresh blossoms, green fruit. Such is the growing edge! It is the extra breath from the exhausted lung, the one more thing to try when all else has failed, the upward reach of life when weariness closes in upon all endeavor. This is the basis of hope in moments of despair, the incentive to carry on when times are out of joint and men have lost their reason, the source of confidence when worlds crash and dreams whiten into ash. The birth of a child — life’s most dramatic answer to death — this is the growing edge incarnate. Look well to the growing edge!

According to Palmer and Thurman, “the roots are silently at work in the darkness of the earth” and there is “the growing edge” unseen and unnoticed. Life is brewing and growing in the dark, resulting in new lives, fresh blossoms, and green fruit. Born in Florida in 1899, Howard Thurman, a black man, knows bleakness and darkness. He was an author, theologian, philosopher, mystic, and civil rights leader. When Thurman spoke of “the growing edge,” his words carried more punch and weight due to the unique dark times of his era. Thurman has spoken these words not out of a vacuum or fantasized ideal, but out of his own life’s poignant experiences. The waves of the growing edge continue to hit the shore of dark humanity, refusing to succumb to the darkness, and infusing with unquenchable life and light.

If Richard Rohr and other mystics are right, then the dark periods are all great teachers precisely because we are not in control. Thus, the darkness forces us to relinquish our control and let God be God, and put our active faith in God. The birth of Christ and His perpetual coming has come to us as “life’s most dramatic answer to death” which is the ultimate darkness. The incarnation of Christ is the ultimate growing edge. And the perpetuity of Christ’s incarnation continues to flood us as light in darkness.

I have witnessed the growing edge come to life and infuse life all around, over and over again. Thus, it is not hard to look to the growing edge! And I am.

GRACE

“Son, you have no idea how good this decision is.”
Almost exactly six years ago on the first of January,
I heard a faint grace-filled voice inside me, enveloping me
when walking my daughter’s huskie, Luna
to let go,
to descend,
to step into the unknown. 

Grace descended as I decided to descend.
My calculating mind does not understand grace
but the submissive soul just needs to stand under grace,
with my head tilted, eyes looking up and my hands stretched wide,
the grace the tangible and the powerful
forged a new way of living and being in the world.

I have learned that I must live my life,
not my ego’s projection,
not what others expect of me,
certainly not what the systems of power tell me.

I have learned that descension and even darkness can be gifts, too
gift of discernment,
gift of dependency,
and the gift of grace,
experiencing God as the ultimate lifter and salvation.

I have learned to be in wonder and astonishment,
the wonder of how everything is connected,
the wonder of how nature simply is,
the wonder of my true desires,
and of course, the wonder of God, the Grace Giver.

This poem needs little explanation as I try to summarize the last six years’ journey. My life's most important “decision” came with the call to descend. It was not a call to an invitation to step up. The paradoxical “falling upward” phrase Richard Rohr coined rings true after six years of looking at my rear-view mirror. I am not even sure whether I would distinguish words like desolation from consolation and vice versa. Desolation can usher in consolation. Consolation can also quickly be submerged under desolation.

Perhaps the invitation is to welcome them all as guests with great gifts. Because consolation is the grace of immediacy. And desolation is consolation in disguise of grace to come. No matter what, grace is the constant.

SECOND SIGHT

Sometimes, you need the ocean light,
and colors you’ve never seen before
painted through an evening sky.

Sometimes you need your God
to be a simple invitation
not a telling word of wisdom.

Sometimes you need only the first shyness
that comes from being shown things
far beyond your understanding,

so that you can fly and become free
by being still and by being still here.

And then there are times you want to be
brought to ground by touch
and touch alone.

To know those arms around you
and to make your home in the world
just by being wanted.

To see eyes looking back at you,
as eyes should see you at last,

seeing you, as you always wanted to be seen,
seeing you, as you yourself
had always wanted to see the world.

David Whyte

Seeing is the most primal, powerful way of being human. It is not only seeing but also being seen. The reciprocity and the mutuality of exchange are what makes humans human. The pristine, the purest seeing is invariably without words, by being still and at still. It is the surest way of making our home in this world. Freedom arrives by being still and by being still here and now. The inner freedom to be activates the exterior freedom to protect and fight for who I am meant to be. Also, I mull over the line—home is where I am being wanted. By being at home in this world, we pre-experience what it means to be at Home.

The most basic spirituality is about seeing and being seen. When we finally “see” God, we realize God has been seeing us the whole time, with one kind of seeing, love. How often did Jesus “see” before miracles and healings took place? Once healed, those saw Jesus differently, finally. This mutual seeing unfurls the very vision of union with God as God envisioned it. This way, seeing always precedes union. And it deepens and widens more generous seeing of all kinds. We see others and otherness as our heart dictates, varying from unconditional love to self-loathing hatred. In the recent political events in Korea, I confess that it was not the most kind of seeing toward the regime. Even amid turmoil within and without, God’s way of seeing is constant miraculously, and woos us back to God’s warm embrace.

As Whyte eludes, I have been wondering if blue sky, a mere blade of grass, an old Cypress tree, and irises also see me when I see, notice them with wonder. Would they say, “Ah finally, you see us. Now we see you?” For one, they know how to be still and silent for which I remain grateful.  All in all, I am okay with that remaining a mystery.

Seeing is always a subjective experience. We see what we see, not what others see. Spirituality as seeing means it is a subjective and sometimes a mystical experience. At the heart of mysticism is experiential knowing. Some say that religion is a belief in someone else’s experiences. It is not to disregard someone else’s experiences as others’ experiences validate mine and vice versa, creating a layer of serviceable “universal” knowing. However, it is worth noting that we often move from personal experiential knowing to universal, rarely the other way around. 

In the state of union with God, I will see everything through God’s way of seeing, through my eyes which is to say God’s seeing and my seeing are the same. That vision is too elusive and mysterious for me to understand but worth holding on to.

ARTIST AT LIVING

It is neither a genius nor
the unparalleled passion of Vincent van Gogh that
inspire me.

It is a troubled van Gogh,
fascinated by and drawn to a metamorphosis of things,
perhaps including himself,
while offering no judgment to distinct larva and chrysalis forms,
perhaps including himself.

Van Gogh’s troubles and his lonely metamorphosis,
as incomplete and fragile as it might have been,
where the incomplete is the perfect,
where the fragility is the strength,
inspire the divine vision of the human journey in me.

Not too long ago, I learned of van Gogh’s interest in butterflies, particularly the process of metamorphosis. Fascination may be a better word.

After taking an online poetry class this past June, I became restless, wanting to continue to feed a newfound desire. My wife, with her foresight and timely encouragement, gently suggested organizing a group for mutual encouragement and continued writing of poetry. I asked all my Asian classmates (four plus one) if they wanted to continue meeting over Zoom monthly. They all responded enthusiastically, and we have been meeting monthly, with each of us taking turns facilitating. With everyone being trained in spiritual direction (except for me), the group knows how to hold sacred and safe space for emerging poets in all of us. We would all write, each taking turns to read aloud to the group, and then everyone companions the reader. As we can peek into each other’s tender souls through poetry, our usage of companioning words is minimal but creates reverberation in our souls long afterward.

In one of the recent poetry Zooms, we were presented with van Gogh’s Grass and Butterflies painting. As soon as I saw the painting, something stirred in me though I did not know why. Weeks later, I revisited the painting and reflected using a combination of visio divina and imaginative “reading” of van Gogh and wrote the poem above.

As an imperfect and tormented soul, van Gogh’s contribution to the world would not be through a missionary call to the lowly miners. It would not even be a religion where he initially found meaning. Even in his art path, he would not follow the footsteps of the popular and accepted Impressionism. Instead, I would like to believe that what saved van Gogh was his attention to details, the divine details. Whether it was sunflowers, butterflies, irises, fields, cypress trees, portraits, sky, etc all came alive because of van Gogh’s prowess in paying attention to details. In the details of the most ordinariness, he came face to face with the divine, just perhaps. I imagine Van Gogh’s “invitation” would not be to admire and like his works, instead, he would be acutely exhorting us to slow down, look, and linger with details in life. And to “paint” it with our own style and life . . . D. T. Suzuki’s words ring true, “I am an artist at living – my work of art is my life.”