DYING BEFORE DYING — free as the sky

We knew we had to go to Ann Arbor, Michigan. After pivoting and adjusting our plans, we arrived in Detroit before our trip to New York to celebrate a life well-lived, with utmost authenticity and humility. John M. Park, our in-law, passed into eternity after fighting a valiant battle against cancer, but more importantly, by living a life of dying.

“Very truly, I tell you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains just a single grain; but if it dies, it bears much fruit.” (John 12:24, NRSV)
“For those who want to save their life will lose it, and those who lose their life for my sake will find it.” (Matthew 16:25, NRSV)

When we, as parents, first met a few years ago, as our son Michael and their daughter Gloria were getting serious in their relationship, over In-N-Out burgers, all of us immediately felt like we were long-lost friends. After Michael and Gloria got married, I thought it would be the beginning of a deep friendship. Soon after the wedding, John discovered cancer.

Hundreds of people attended the memorial service, with most of the guests having had significant connections with John and his wife, Helen. We were among the few people, including our children, on the cusp of something blossoming and beautiful. With saintly qualities, John, a renowned surgeon in pediatric urology, has positively impacted and reshaped many lives in terms of health, dignity, and well-being. His life was a beacon of hope and a messenger of love.

As I listened to story after another during the service, I realized John was a man who died well before dying. As Jesus taught, we are all invited to live our lives by dying well before dying. By dying countless times, we are to discover what it means to truly live. Therein lies the ultimate paradox of life. We think we are living, but we are dying. When we welcome repeated death in living, we live. By dying well on this earth, we are to greet the ultimate death with hope, which is to live.

Dying well is a lost art because everyone is desperately trying to live, with our ego taking charge to protect and project. When we acknowledge and accept our ego’s shortcomings and failures, it leads to the invitation to die. Dying well means letting go and losing the strong grip of control we believe we have in life. It means befriending suffering and questions without having all the answers. Several months before John’s passing, he learned that he would be a first-time grandfather. While not knowing all of what John had to process, I wonder if he would have had to “let go” of his dream of being a grandfather, which was unbearable suffering.

As followers of Christ, we believe in transformation. Transformation, in essence, is a form of death. It does not occur by holding on to the old ways or continuing to “add,” but rather through subtraction or letting go, as mystics and saints would all agree. Transformation arrives when we are ready to release the old and embrace the new. Christ, who is at the center and pinnacle of all transformation, is already present in everything new if we acknowledge that the old no longer works. That is simply grace.

As we accept death, grace meets us at the rock bottom state of hopelessness and rescues us from death to life, over and over again. Grace does not rebuke or ask questions about how we got to death, but rather embraces us by giving us life and hope. Thus, life is always given, not earned. God does not love us because we are good, worthy of love, or have accomplished amazing things with our lives. God loves us because God is love and good. The only requirement for grace is the awareness and recognition that we need God.

I believe John experienced life and grace because he died well before the ultimate death, which is the doorway to eternal life. As with countless clouds of witnesses throughout history, his life will remain as a living testimony to die well before dying.