A REST STOP — free as the sky

Malaysia was like a resting stop on our long pilgrimage journey. It has been about ten months since we were here last. The last time we were here, we did not know what our future held. We knew God was calling us to settle in Korea, but with no details in place, we discerned that Malaysia was the “rest stop” we needed to go through.

Being here this time, I am freshly reminded of the feelings of uncertainties and unknowns, layered with hope and anticipation for what was to come in 2024. Considering how little we knew about the future, I would still say that Malaysia was not a land of confusion, but a land of kindness. I caught myself saying to a group a few days ago, “Malaysia was kind to us.” We experienced the unrehearsed word kindness as God’s patient unfolding plan. What could easily have been mounting frustration and hopelessness turned into affirmation and confirmation of God’s faithful guidance, step by step. Being here in the same neighborhood we stayed before, we are reliving the emotions and prayers we prayed, closely followed by deep gratitude to God.

Speaking of prayers, I lost count in praying “a prayer of unknowing” by Thomas Merton.

My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think I am following Your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please You does in fact please You. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that, if I do this, You will lead me by the right road, though I may know nothing about it. Therefore I will trust You always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for You are ever with me, and You will never leave me to face my perils alone. Amen.

I remember the emotions and increasing clarity of my desire. The line “But I believe that the desire to please You does in fact please You” is packed with full of hope, which emboldened my faith. Fear was a dominant emotion, not because of fear of getting lost, but because of the fear of irrelevance. I could rationalize that fear did not exist, but I learned to hold it tenderly. That was the peril I faced. I still struggle with that fear; at the same time, my desire to please God and to do my part in ushering God’s kingdom to this earth is real and palpable. In this sense, fear is a gift that keeps forcing me to turn to God’s intimacy.

Malaysia's kindness also showed in my growing love for poetry writing. The kind and supportive space gave me the courage to finally try my hand at poetry. I remember exactly where and when I wrote my first poem. In fact, I know, down to the intricacy of feelings, when and where I wrote each of my poems. A member of the group I mentioned earlier told me that I used to talk passionately about war or battle imagery, often referencing movies like Braveheart, The Band of Brothers, and The Lord of the Rings. And how they are replaced with poetry. I laughed out loud in agreement. I still like epic war movies. I also love poetry. The kind and the liminal space that Malaysia was, I am glad to be at this rest stop, once again, reminding me of the journey I have been on.