BEST YEARS OF OUR LIVES — free as the sky

“I suppose we gave the best years of our lives to our previous organization,” my wife said as we zipped around Pasadena to run errands. As we drove through a very familiar Pasadena neighborhood, I said, “I wonder how so-and-so is doing.” That led us to reminisce about our “previous” life, which was the context for my wife’s statement above. I immediately turned to my wife, grinning, and told her in confidence, unfiltered, with no air of second-guessing, “I don’t think so, honey. The best years of our lives are now and ahead of us!” Sensing my resoluteness, my wife smiled back and agreed, “You are right!” while patting my shoulder.

35 and 33 years, respectively, for me and my wife, are not short years. I do not doubt that I am who I am because of those years, and at the same time, I am aware that “systems and structures” of Christianity sadly stood in the way of discovering God and myself, the purest pursuit of all. Systems and structures, sometimes edifying and prudent and sometimes destructive and even diabolical, rise and fall. They all do. Sometimes they create spaces to experience God and others as honorably and helpfully as possible. Sometimes they become yet another encrusted layer of illusion, adding to the confusion about what true Reality is and, worse still, disguising systems as God. Both the blessings and limitations of such systems and structures can only be accepted through non-binary thinking. At the very least, we become more aware that God refuses to be contained within systems. God always has and will.

Now, my energy and vision are far more forward-looking than they have ever been. As a visionary, I like to look ahead, anticipate, dream, and naturally ask “why nots,” but this forward-looking energy is different: it feels comprehensive and wholistic, requiring my whole being and its history, and it is closer to who I truly am and becoming. A few months ago, I also stepped down from a non-profit organization I founded years ago and had served on its board ever since. While there was not much fanfare when I did step down, I felt a distinct sense of release, basking in the inner fanfare as the last systems layer peeled away from me.

During all our traversing across Asia while filling out arrival cards, I have now been listing “spiritual director, author, or even semi-retired” instead of “director, administrator, etc.” If someone were to ask, “What do you do as a spiritual director?” I feel I can explain what I do without using systems language to talk about God and my journey. If someone were to ask me, “What do you write about?” I feel I can use everyday language to share my discovery of God, of who I am, and of who I am becoming. I am ready to share and project my personal journey, which I know, with utter confidence, bears universal human traces.

I would like to believe I have paid my dues to be where I am, living as disenthralled as I can and inviting others to do the same. God knows I need much more of this. . . In this vein, I get to partner with the mission of Jesus (Luke 4:18, The Message), which I wholeheartedly embrace: “To set the burdened and battered free, to announce, “This is God’s time to shine!’”

Using Richard Rohr’s language, I have honorably retired the “loyal soldier” within me, the one from the first half of life. “When you first discharge your loyal soldier, it will feel like a loss of faith or loss of self. But it is only the death of the false self, and is often the very birth of the soul.” Rohr writes in his book, Falling Upward: A Spirituality for the Two Halves of Life.

I remember stepping down from my previous organization and promising myself there would be no more striving. Instead, I wanted to live like a river, free as the sky, and throw myself into the grace-filled currents of God. Life is no longer about accumulating and pursuing after what I cannot, better yet, should not hold, but slowing down, loosening, and letting go. This season suits me well, not unlike David in his unceremonious shepherd’s gear. I was born for this, as I am not a structures guy and can be spontaneous and responsive to God moving in and around me. Thus, the best years of my life.