OPENNESS

As we flew across the Big Pond (the Pacific Ocean), I did not think of ourselves as merely going to the US and coming back to Korea. What helps me is the musing of all our collective travels (including fourteen months in Malaysia in 2024) as part of our unique and given pilgrimage. There is the actual exterior physical traveling which can be demanding but also exhilarating, but much more crucial is the interior pilgrimage, traversing inner landscape and terrains of life.

Leaving the US this time was much more difficult than last fall when our focus was so locked in as forward momentum was significant after years of discernment. This time, I experience more profound sadness of leaving and letting go, mourning the death of dreams of not being close to our children and grandchildren. At the same time, the calling to Asia is as brightly lit as ever, as far as our eyes can see. So we track forward while holding the tension. . .

In this vein, I found David Benner’s quote below valuable from Opening to God: Lectio Divina and Life as Prayer.

“Pilgrimage always involves both an exterior and interior journey. Any travel can be a pilgrimage, regardless of the destination or whether or not there even is a destination. The difference between a pilgrim and a tourist is the intention of attention and openness to God. This transforms a trip into a pilgrimage, and the result is that the self that sets out on pilgrimage will not be the same as the self that returns.”

I was never drawn to tour packages, and I don’t think that will change anytime soon. When I travel, I would like to blend in as much as possible, though I naturally stick out, take my own sweet time, and explore and move according to what my heart and stomach desire. Never mind the fact that I don’t want to be boxed in and corralled.

Pilgrimage embodies walking both literally and figuratively. Walking then means cleaving to the slowness of time and meandering. Therein lies the ancient wisdom of pilgrimage, embracing the slow, the meander, and even getting lost. As we slow down, we see and notice things we have not seen before and are in touch with ourselves and the world, which becomes the seedbed of transformation from the inside out.

Pilgrimage and travel move us beyond our self, shift our focus from inward to outward, then pull us back inward, transforming us from the inside out. Since the height of the pandemic in 2021, we have spent far more time in Asia than in the US. My self before this grand “pilgrimage” and my self after are not the same, as Benner observed. Even the travel back and forth to the US this time made me aware of the “intention of attention and openness.” Even the frivolous and superficial cultural nuances between the US and Korea opened up and led me to explore my interiority in ways I had not experienced before.

Incidentally, my wife relayed to me what her spiritual director shared with her about grandparenthood. “Grandparenthood is like getting a Ph. D in openness.” For me, this openness “opened” up my early fatherhood, which is filled with regret and immaturity, as well as joy and grace. I hold them all tenderly, knowing God would hold my fumbling and insecurities tenderly. Another layer of openness has me observe my children and their spouses as they raise their children. It is the opening to wonder and amazement at their ability and capacity as new parents, and at God giving them enough grace and light to take the next steps in the unknowns of parenthood. It is also the same opening and reliance on the grace and unfailing love of God, as both Father and Mother.

This openness comprises all three sides seamlessly as one: openness to God, openness to our self, and openness to others. If we consider openness as a flow of love, in that we are channeling the flow of existence as human beings created in God’s image and likeness, we get to experience ourselves as conduits of love. Being a father and grandfather from afar and holding Asia close to our hearts are not meant to pull me apart into an incapacitated state, but to be essential parts of my unique pilgrimage set for me. To what end? Thomas Merton’s words are succinct and wise: “I am His mission to myself and through myself to all men.”